Stuck in Metamorphosis

 by Sharda Chaitanya

As per Hilarion's message posted via Marlene Swetlishoff regarding the process of our spiritual progress, we are still "feeling stuck in this metamorphosis stage".  I for one could not agree more.  For those of us who have been on the path for some time now, we had felt as though we could get a break, a respite, from the perpetual discipline of spiritual life, with all its myriad ups and downs.  We knew for sure we had reached a plateau and could enjoy the view.  We sailed through many a storm, finally landing on terra firma, both feet on the ground and relieved that we had completed much of our inner work as we came to know it, and for which we felt we had incarnated in order to bring to conclusion.  So when within the past several years we found ourselves once again confronted, harshly at times it seemed, by issues we thought we had successfully worked out, as in,  "Oh dear God, aren't you listening?  Didn't we cover this already?   A lot?",  we were in a bit of a conundrum.  "Where did I go wrong, mess up, miss the turn-off?"  

Back-tracking was not part of our plan.  If we were paying attention, open to what our higher self is conveying, then we soon realized that what we had, by Divine decree, was more fine-tuning of our spiritual lives yet to be completed.  And it didn't look pretty.  We felt it, sensed it, recognized it as an energy around us and in us that once and for all was going to be UNDERSTOOD.  Understanding on a variety of levels, not merely intellectually, in fact, the least of which is intellectual, was key to the transmutation that we sensed was going to wash over our entire being.  The understanding had to become a knowing, an at-one-ness with the deeper, richer God-sensibility that we've been working toward all these years.  Up till now I thought that seeking Divine Knowledge and Wisdom was the best way I could live my life, and was content with that which provided me with a sufficient philosophical and practical foundation upon which to structure my life.

And if the tools we had come to love and use for our spiritual growth worked so well once, would they do so again?  Also, what do I do now with the issue I thought was buried, burned or put to rest?  What else lay hidden within the crevices of the sub-conscious/past-life labyrinth that was waiting for re-birth?  I had come up blank...no answers.  Just prayers.

This newly-inserted storyline of my life didn't feel like it was about God, interestingly enough.  No, it was all about me.   Me and my deepest, most profound, most elusive aspects of my Soul.  This work was going to involve a whole new set of skills.  And those would be revealed to me as I went along.  I discovered them as I needed them -- this was my vision quest.  I did know enough to know that as I journeyed I was going to be asked to rely on my inner voice,  my intuition, my Soul guidance.   It was time to take apart the mechanism that had become so comfortable, or unusable and outdated, and discard anything that was bound to the third dimension, anything that created an obstacle to --- freedom.  

There was no more pushing against the grain, swimming upstream.  Being stopped in my tracks did something, many things, for me that I would not have done for myself.  Or at least not right now.  It was always my goal to work till whenever, and then retreat to the Himalayas, embrace the life of a monk and spend my days in the company of god-people and nature.  The goal being to meditate, gain greater spiritual knowledge and find deep and abiding peace while still in this body.   But now I was going to find out that I could still achieve spiritual knowledge, but I just wasn't going to go anywhere.  The Universe was telling me that I could get from here to there without living in the hills.  Smack dab in the middle of the chaos of the big city was where my second journey into the labyrinth, the unknown, began.


In the true spirit of Tantra Yoga (perceiving the outer world as a manifestation of Maya Shakti), in reverence to my Gurus, in honor of my years of study, seclusion and sadhana, I reflected upon what it meant up to  now to live and walk the Path.  I surrendered to the promptings of my Higher Self and stayed put.  The familiar was being reflected back to me through a new perspective and was a bit unsettling.  I knew this to be part of the "shift in consciousness" that was attached to the ascension process.  My consciousness was indeed --- changing?  Oh yes, by the boatload.  I had never had anything be so exhilarating and scary at the same time.  Letting go of old perspectives, attachments, dependencies was it seemed at the time, almost more that I could bear.   But of the many things that continually went through my mind during this period, the one I most often  heard myself say was, "Your Higher Self knows what's best for you -- It wouldn't give you anything you could not manage".  All right then, so be it. 


Creator, or in my case, Creatrix, had assigned something very specific to me; this was not a self-prescribed undertaking.  In the past, it seemed, I had lead myself to believe that I was in control.  I had chosen the spiritual path by myself and I would dictate how, when and where I was going to conduct my life based on that choice.  With the newly-arrived second round of spiritual soul-work looking me in the eye, it didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't going to be this active, creative force out in the world in the sense that I, my ego, had decided that I "should" be.  All the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, and then trying to live up to the designations of that person we've decide upon, takes tremendous work.  The more we push to formulate, to create ourselves in obeisance to the survival mechanism of the ego-self, the further away we move from the intuitive heart-centered self.   This much I knew:  it was time to be still -- the gestation period was going to run its natural course.

The ambitious side of me, what remnants there are, had been feeling just a little guilty for not doing enough.  I was always what I considered self-actualized.  I took great pride in creating what I wanted in life and was driven by the need for experience and achievement.  But that is in direct opposition, at least almost, of what is means to serenely walk the spiritual path.  If we weren't going to slow down and come close to a full stop in order to assess our position and re-set our internal clock toward God-time, then it was going to be done for us.  And it was.  Hence, the re-visiting of what appeared to be old issues.   By the circumstances handed to me by Creator, my past karma and my present desires, I will only say I felt trapped.  No need to elaborate -- each individual's scenario is unique to them and their karmic timeline. 

As I let go, I  grew.  I intuited differently, had experiences good and bad that were part of this squeezing through and into another layer of the transformation.  It was the unfolding into an entirely different spiritual perspective.  Have spent nearly 15 years of my life living in ashrams, managing temples, serving my Gurus and teachers, I did learn a great deal and, like most people, my knowledge was my compass point.  What we perceive ourselves to be is a combination of our past, what we think we know, what relationships we've forged and, most importantly, the desires we possess.  When ALL of this, and more, is challenged, how does one proceed?  We don't know until we get there.  So I did what resonated, I did what felt right.  I took great care to love my self and to recognize the God spark that I am. 

So yes, we are experiencing a metamorphosis.  But, no, we will not remain stuck.   In reality, and I am going out on a limb here thinking that I know what God is thinking, it was, and still is, about fine-tuning our heart-mind relationship to soul, to universe, to evolution and to creation.  What could be better than to have been selected [we have all been selected; some know it and some do not] to clear our path, cleanse our karma and move more easily toward a light-filled future.

Higher-Self Meditation

If we are expected to rise to the occasion, to transcend our limitations and live life in the fullness of God-consciousness, then we certainly have not been expected to do it alone.  The singular most important thing that I have gained in these most recent years is that I am not alone -- we are not alone.  We are surrounded and loved and nurtured by so much LIGHT that it would be unbearable to witness with the naked eye.  Ask of the Light everything you need, get all the help you want.  There is nothing too big or too difficult, nothing too complicated or too miniscule that the Light would not gladly and lovingly assist with.  It seems to me the only thing that the Light expects from us to allow It to  be of service.  TAT AASTU.   So be it.