I Received a Knowing ~ Back Into the Light

by Sharda Chaitanya
August 7, 2012
(Re-posted)

Where have I been?  Every now and then it seems like I want to break off my relationship with my blog.  And not just my blog, but also the Light Movement, my community, the channels and most anything that looks like or hints at "New Age".

I am not sure why this happens.  Burnout?  Perhaps.  Introspection?  Good possibility.  Disillusionment?  Definitely.  Not listening to my own source of knowing?  Bingo!  The intricacies of our psychology combined with our expansion into the higher vibrations conspire to create feelings of ineptitude and loathing.  And that's a good thing - it signals to us that we are burning off the dross of 3D and clearing the way for greater insight.  It is at those moments when it is easy to blame the very thing that is closest to us.  But that is alright and normal. It's quite acceptable to wonder what on God's green Earth we are doing - I am doing - every once in a while.  The process is one of purging, messing up the pieces on the game board, and stepping away.   We didn't like the way the game was going, we made chaos of what was in front of us, and stomped off in a huff.  Or in my case, taking a few days far away from anything resembling attachment to my work.

It started with reading some very dark and very damaging negative assessments of the channels that was written so convincingly and so methodically. Up until now I have all but dismissed any naysayers quite easily and never thought twice about it.  But this time they pulled me in and caught me.  I was reading them, or one person particularly, because I wanted to know how the other side thinks, so I gave it audience.  I do reckon that part of me wanted to hear it, part of me wanted all of this ascension "stuff" to be a hoax so that I didn't have to participate, and could go onto to something new and more tangible.  I needed to see just how bad it could look through the eyes of evil.  The fact is, the disinformation machine has their own agenda and if you want to avoid them, then, well, that's what you do.  I will end the topic there - lest I give more energy to something that doesn't deserve it.  I will just say that if it weren't for this mood I had as a result, the effort to come out of it would not have been triggered. 

The crux of these past few days is really about my own journey and what I discovered in the process.  The other things such as negative forces, the channels, Ascension, are all the backdrop, the milieu for the story.  I am glad for the questions that I was forced to pose as a result of the confusion I was deeply experiencing.  Consequently I took a closer look at my life in this moment.

Today I was on my way to an appointment which, by worldly standards, I "should" have kept because it is something I "need" in my life.  But instead of getting off at the designated stop, I continued to ride the subway to Queens.  I blew off my scheduled assignment and bounced around the shops in my old neighborhood -- I was looking for something from my past, wondering if it was something I wanted to reclaim.  It's too complicated to explain, as the past often is, but it was symbolic in any case.

All the while on the train traveling out of Manhattan, and as I went in and out of the shops looking at saris and sweets, and later as I rode the F train home, I kept on telling myself, "Remember, it's about consciousness.  It's about expanding and being a universal soul.  None of the superficial externals any longer count for anything.  We have transcended that".   I was hearing that my life was perfect just the way it is; that I am loved beyond measure and I, and each of us, has been meticulously placed where we should be.   Normally I would argue that I knew these truths intellectually, and somewhat in actuality, but now, today, it seems to have penetrated the superficiality of mere words.  Now I know it - it has entered my experience.  In my emotional and mental discomfort over these past several day, I felt as though I'd been pushing.  Not against anything so much but through to this awareness, and ultimately away from old faded perceptions.

When I heard the little voice in my head say, "Forget your meeting, go walk around Little India, buy something.  Relax, it will be fine",  I also heard that I was to buy something very specific.  I found the thing I was supposed to buy, an way nicer than what I had expected.  And I found what I needed in two different store, no less.  But guess what?  In both shops they didn't have the quantity I needed.  Huh, I thought for sure I would get what I came for since I was told to buy that thing.  I came out of the second shop, into the hot midday sun, and was puzzled.  When I had heard the instructions very clearly to take a detour, get this thing, another side message was in the background:  "We [our angels and guides] are always whispering in your ear, but you don't take heed."  That was the part of the message that clinched it.  That's what made me skip my meeting and carry on to see what I needed to know.  Well, this time I did take heed, and I came away empty-handed.

But not empty-hearted.  In the unique way the Universe has of guiding and teaching, I knew it wasn't over, and it didn't seem to be about any particular object I should have in my possession.  I needed to understand something, to have my confusion and doubt cleared and replaced with an answer.   I  hadn't articulated it to myself, nor really thought the feelings through.  Or if I did, they were shadowed by a misinterpretation of my current situation.  It was an emotion, an angst, that registered with my guides that I was having a dark moment.   Not only did I get my answer, I received a knowing.  How this happens is such a mystery.  I will take it on faith that grace took over.

Little did I know that the prompting to blow off my day and go do something frivolous was exactly what was supposed to happen.  I listened to the voice, I  heard the whisper and I responded.

As I made my way out of the door of my apartment I said a prayer, as I always do.  I asked that I receive something today just for me, something really good that would make me happy.  I was looking for something special.  On the train ride back, I felt so depleted, as though I had a very emotionally draining day.  But I hadn't - I didn't do anything so outwardly unusual and yet I was feeling wiped out.  That was when I knew something else was going on; I was having a process and I just had to wait it out.  Which I did, by coming home and crashing on my bed.

Nothing like a good nap for to make things gel.  I felt better and knew another part of the shift was manifesting within me.  The changes are becoming more subtle now.  We need to look for signs and be aware in a different way almost.  The clearing has to happen but, having been at this for some time, we at least know to be patient with ourselves and remain prayerful.  This minutia of issues that are lingering need to be handled gently and as non-judgementally as possible.  Judging ourselves goes very deep and is so commonplace that we can barely identify it.  It happens with such frequency so as to go unnoticed, hiding in plain sight.  Judgement is the opposite of love and is of the old paradigm of the superior/inferior ego stance.  Letting it go and falling in love with your HIGHER SELF is much easier and so joyful.  Holding judgement tells us that we are not good enough or deserving enough.  That alone will block so much from coming into our lives.

What I got today was to open up to receive  self love, self care, self nurturing, self gentleness,  self acceptance, self quietude, self absorption, self value, self softness, self joy and self embrace.  Don't judge but only honor; Ascension means rising up, so rise and catch hold of the finer qualities and cherish them.  They reflect back to us ourselves from the higher dimensions where self love is woven into our psyche.  It is within that knowing we get a glimpse of how unconditionally we are loved by God.