As per Hilarion's message posted via Marlene Swetlishoff regarding the process of our spiritual progress, we are still "feeling stuck in this metamorphosis stage". I for one could not agree more. For those of us who have been on the path for some time now, we had felt as though we could get a break, a respite, from the perpetual discipline of spiritual life, with all its myriad ups and downs. We knew for sure we had reached a plateau and could enjoy the view. We sailed through many a storm, finally landing on terra firma, both feet on the ground and relieved that we had completed much of our inner work as we came to know it, and for which we felt we had incarnated in order to bring to conclusion. So when within the past several years we found ourselves once again confronted, harshly at times it seemed, by issues we thought we had successfully worked out, as in, "Oh dear God, aren't you listening? Didn't we cover this already? A lot?", we were in a bit of a conundrum. "Where did I go wrong, mess up, miss the turn-off?"
And if the tools we had come to love and use for our spiritual growth worked so well once, would they do so again? Also, what do I do now with the issue I thought was buried, burned or put to rest? What else lay hidden within the crevices of the sub-conscious/past-life labyrinth that was waiting for re-birth? I had come up blank...no answers. Just prayers.
This newly-inserted storyline of my life didn't feel like it was about God, interestingly enough. No, it was all about me. Me and my deepest, most profound, most elusive aspects of my Soul. This work was going to involve a whole new set of skills. And those would be revealed to me as I went along. I discovered them as I needed them -- this was my vision quest. I did know enough to know that as I journeyed I was going to be asked to rely on my inner voice, my intuition, my Soul guidance. It was time to take apart the mechanism that had become so comfortable, or unusable and outdated, and discard anything that was bound to the third dimension, anything that created an obstacle to --- freedom.
In the true spirit of Tantra Yoga (perceiving the outer world as a manifestation of Maya Shakti), in reverence to my Gurus, in honor of my years of study, seclusion and sadhana, I reflected upon what it meant up to now to live and walk the Path. I surrendered to the promptings of my Higher Self and stayed put. The familiar was being reflected back to me through a new perspective and was a bit unsettling. I knew this to be part of the "shift in consciousness" that was attached to the ascension process. My consciousness was indeed --- changing? Oh yes, by the boatload. I had never had anything be so exhilarating and scary at the same time. Letting go of old perspectives, attachments, dependencies was it seemed at the time, almost more that I could bear. But of the many things that continually went through my mind during this period, the one I most often heard myself say was, "Your Higher Self knows what's best for you -- It wouldn't give you anything you could not manage". All right then, so be it.
Creator, or in my case, Creatrix, had assigned something very specific to me; this was not a self-prescribed undertaking. In the past, it seemed, I had lead myself to believe that I was in control. I had chosen the spiritual path by myself and I would dictate how, when and where I was going to conduct my life based on that choice. With the newly-arrived second round of spiritual soul-work looking me in the eye, it didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't going to be this active, creative force out in the world in the sense that I, my ego, had decided that I "should" be. All the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, and then trying to live up to the designations of that person we've decide upon, takes tremendous work. The more we push to formulate, to create ourselves in obeisance to the survival mechanism of the ego-self, the further away we move from the intuitive heart-centered self. This much I knew: it was time to be still -- the gestation period was going to run its natural course.
As I let go, I grew. I intuited differently, had experiences good and bad that were part of this squeezing through and into another layer of the transformation. It was the unfolding into an entirely different spiritual perspective. Have spent nearly 15 years of my life living in ashrams, managing temples, serving my Gurus and teachers, I did learn a great deal and, like most people, my knowledge was my compass point. What we perceive ourselves to be is a combination of our past, what we think we know, what relationships we've forged and, most importantly, the desires we possess. When ALL of this, and more, is challenged, how does one proceed? We don't know until we get there. So I did what resonated, I did what felt right. I took great care to love my self and to recognize the God spark that I am.